waiting...and seeking

As I write this Ellie is sleeping. It's Sunday morning. She was awake long enough to eat breakfast and now back asleep. This...very uncharacteristic of Ellie. So it has been for a week now. She began running fevers about 3 days after we were discharged from our previous stay at Vanderbilt Childrens. The fevers rise and fall, the docs have been stumped...but finally we have some blood cultures that are showing infection. So again we were admitted to VCH and we wait.

Waiting...not something that I do very well. I so want to have a peace knowing that Ellie is God's child; knowing that He has already written this story, her story; knowing that He knows not only the outcome of this saga, but the strengths that will come because of it. I do want that peace. And, in moments and even hours I feel that peace. But then that deep seated fear that is not of God sets in...ugh, I hate it. My mind wanders in ways I should not allow it to. Why don't I quickly go to prayer, ridding my mind and heart of all that is not of Him? I don't know...perhaps that too is fear. Fear that I will not like His plan. And too, I know my own struggle with control. Will I ever learn that I cannot control God? I know, I know that He is my Lord and Savior! So... I seek peace. "The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." (Ps 34:10) He is my sustainer....so, for this mom... this journey is also for me "an invitation to be beautiful". I have learned over the years that beauty is definitely of God and looks many different ways...but all beauty is pleasing to those who know and love our Lord. Lord have your way with me... mold me, shape me, refine me!